08 May 2007 - 10:36 p.m.
"Good" grief?

I feel like showing everyone my feelings tonight, so here goes...

I feel terrible! I am so tired, which always seems to happen, but it makes everything so much worse when it does.

My dad died over a year ago (see this tiny entry) but I guess I pretty much repressed everything and tried to run away from all the heeeaps of emotions I had.

Now, my mum has a new boyfriend and it is dredging everything back up. This may be a good thing, but it sure isn't easy - I've been acting like I did when I was about 14. I don't want to, but I don't know how else to deal with it all. I don't want to be cranky and bitchy and shout (at Mum mostly, not the new guy). It's good for Mum to have someone else to talk to and spend time with and all that. I just can't be happy about it at the moment.

The new guy is nice enough, but I can't handle him being around for long periods of time. It feels uncomfortable for me because of all my buried feelings...grief. Also because I don't really know him. It's really hard to try and make the effort to get to know him with everything else swirling around inside. If he's visiting, I feel like I can't be in the public parts of the house doing things. So I spend time by myself in my room, feeling bad. I can't really be comfortable at home when he is around.

Then there are the other things. I have a boyfriend and we've been going out since December 05. (Which is a couple of months after Dad died.) He used to live in a flat about 5 mins walk away from my house, but bought a house in Feilding and has been there since January. It's only 15/20 mins by car, but it's a long way when you don't have a car (or a licence you can actually drive on.)

I am such a clingy person these days and all I want to do is spend time together...watching TV or reading or talking...just something with company. He is happy doing his own thing, relaxing by himself in his weekend. Unfortunately, it sometimes makes me feel like... "I didn't come all the way over here just to sit and read my book in a room by myself!" That is one of my frustrations.

My boyfriend seems to like spending his money before he has it (grr) and so that makes his finances a bit tight, what with the mortgage and everything.

His friend was meant to move in to have somewhere to live/flat/see a more southern part of the island and help pay for the mortgage - but hasn't! For at least 2 weeks he said he would be here, but he's been cancelling! That is seriously frustrating and annoying.

Secretly, part of me is pleased because it means I get to spend more time with my boyfriend before there is someone else in the house who wants to use the TV or listen to music or cook food at random times in the night. So anyway he's worrying about money, I'm all stressed out with my home situation at the moment, which isn't the best combination.

And now we get to the flatmate. I'm sure he's fine (have met him, like him although he talks crap like Scott does *sigh*) but I am expecting to get even less sleep from sleeping in a 'strange' house with a night-owl person in it.

Sometimes I think the lack of sleep will really do it in for me. I get rather unstable emotionally - not like wanting to kill myself, but I start thinking pretty irrationally. Mostly like running away from things (eg - moving out, changing jobs, breaking up, flying to a different country) which definitely won't solve anything.

With the new guy visiting home frequently, I don't have a 'refuge' and I'm feeling a bit stuck in the middle with nowhere to really relax. The stupidest thing is that it hasn't even happened yet, it's just all stress I generate for myself. For fun?

Somehow I need to figure out how to deal with all this in a manner which keeps me vaguely sane and my relationships with other people intact. (Hopefully rejuevenate old ones and generate some new ones because at the moment my actual friends list is pitiful.)

I will try to stop my worrying now and go to sleep. Who knows, it might even work.